Witnessed in the stacks, on the floor, or (heaven help us) at the desk.

AM phone customer: Can you tell me what the local arson laws are?

PM phone customer: I need to know the proper procedure for working with a dead body.

Woman with long grey hair and a Doctor Who shirt: Can you tell me about the asteroid that’s passing by earth today?

Me: Sure. What would you like to know?

Woman: I want to know what the signs and meaning of it is. Also, will there be aliens on it?

Me: ……

Woman: Would you believe I was at the mall the other day and I saw Lucifer! Can you tell me if he’s real?

Me: ……..

After a very long day of dealing with thugs and hooligans:

Man: Excuse me, can you tell me what the definition of “assault” is?

Me <wearily>: You need the definition of “a salt”?

Man: Yeah, assault. Specifically, I want to how far you can go before you go to jail.

Me <with great indignation>: I am NOT telling you that!

If today was a newspaper headline, it would read: “Angry Woman Calls Reference Desk to Complain That Friendly Woman Talked To Her During Last Visit.”

A woman on Saturday: Why don’t you have any books that I want? This is a library! You should have all the books, all the time. There’s nothing here I want to read.

A man on Monday: Why do you have so many books? Who’s going to read all these? This is an unnecessary use of my tax dollars.

A man in an old checkered sweater: I want you to print me some coloring pictures.

Me: Okay!

Man: Of dinosaurs.

Me: Okay.

Man: Zombie dinosaurs.

Me: ….Ok-ay.

Passed by the stacks and caught a fleeting glimpse of a large man with hair longer than mine, pulled into pigtails by strips of aluminum foil. He was wearing lime-colored leggings, a lime-colored tutu, and a t-shirt. I kept walking.