Date: 06.27.19 | Time: 0752 Hours | Location: Homebase


Six months as of Sunday the 23rd. That’s how long I’ve been in boot camp. I intended to write sooner–SOMEONE was insistent about it–but the rigors of training proved too taxing, even for a master spy such as myself.

Who am I?

Trumpower. Jayce Trumpower.

Miniature-sized spy extraordinaire. Diaper-grenade explosives expert. Master of nighttime parental interrogation methods. My signature move is Extended Sleep Deprivation followed by Refusal to Suck Thumb.

My mission?


  1. Vet the parentals. Determine clearance level.
  2. Assess my interim partner, codename Twinkle Toes, for long-term compatibility.
  3. Identify the grey fluffy thing walking around base.
  4. Gain ambulatory capabilities.
  5. Infiltrate grandparent households by whatever means necessary to establish a line of surveillance.

Pleased to report objective #5 is going well. Twinkle Toes and I recently returned from an undercover mission. Location: Codename Canton Chalet. Targets: Grandma and Grandpa Piggy.

(The codename was Twinkle Toes’ designation. What the juicebox does chalet mean? She won’t be allowed to name anything else.)

We have established ourselves in the affection of the grandparents and can leverage it for information as necessary. Or toys. We get lots of toys. That’s cool. This time they bought us this space station thing to sit in, and I gotta be honest, it’s pretty great.

Ahem. Anyway.

Two days after our return to homebase, the parentals left for their own undercover mission. For approximately 36 hours, we were left in the care of Grandma and Grandpa Plant. (Twinkle Toes did the code name again. They’re agriculturists. What can I say? She has a simple mind.)

We’ve yet to infiltrate their homebase but we have weekly interrogations with Grandma Plant. All evidence indicates they can be trusted, but we can’t jump to conclusions.

Objective #4 is proceeding to satisfactory levels. I was beset by health setbacks shortly after recruitment. It took me longer than I liked to catch up with Twinkle Toes but now I am flying through my physical assessments.

This month we have learned and perfected many new skills:

  • Rolling over
  • Holding our toes
  • Standing (Twinkle Toes points out she’s been doing this for months. Yes, yes, I’m sure we’re all impressed.)
  • Holding my head up
  • Independent manipulation of objects
  • Grasping desired toys off the floor
  • Producing a wider range of vocal sounds. I would like to point out Twinkle Toes’ fascination with shrieking gets old quickly.
  • Propping ourselves up
  • Sleeping 5-7 hours at night. The parentals seemed overjoyed with this. Note to self: Schedule a meeting with Twinkle Toes to discuss pros and cons of continuing.

I am sure all of these will be immensely useful for lethal combat. Training exercises continue.

I overhear the parentals discussing “baby food” and “highchairs” frequently now. Not sure what this means. Discuss with Twinkle Toes.

I have no information to give for Objective #3, other than the observation that it “meows” a lot. Will devote more attention to this matter.

Objective #2 is ongoing. By milestones alone, Twinkle Toes has proved a competent partner–if a little bit of a know-it-all. She is standing, smiling, communicating at an acceptable level. She never wakes me up at night and does not take any of my toys. The arrangement seems agreeable. Additional testing required.

I must terminate transmission now. The female parental is approaching with an armful of books. Again. Send reinforcements.